Deconstructing Faith After 40: Rebuilding Identity and Meaning
- Ashley Beaty-Perry
- Oct 26
- 3 min read
👉 If you’d rather watch the video version, you can find it here.
Someone recently said to me that deconstructing your faith after age forty is so hard.
And I understood exactly what she meant.
When your entire life — your friendships, your routines, your values — has been built around a religious system, stepping away from that can feel like losing most of yourself. It’s not just a change in belief; it’s a change in being.
In this post, I want to talk about why that process can be so painful, and how we can begin to rebuild a sense of meaning, identity, and purpose on the other side.
Why It Hurts So Much
Faith isn’t just a set of doctrines or beliefs. For many of us, it’s also been a language, a culture, a way of life.
When you’ve been part of a religious community for decades, that culture shapes nearly everything: your social circle, the friends you spend time with, the questions you ask, and the purpose you think you’re here for.
It even shapes your sense of self: Who am I? What do I believe? Why am I here?
So when you step away, it’s no wonder it feels like the rug has been pulled out from under you. You may find yourself suddenly facing grief, confusion, or even panic.
You might feel like you’re betraying your old self, or like the people who once understood you now don’t. There can be a real sense of loss: loss of mentors, community, identity, and in some cases even livelihood.
But these painful feelings are part of a transition — not a permanent state.
They are signs that your worldview is reorganizing itself, that your system of meaning is shifting.
Moving Through the Grief
If you’ve left a faith tradition later in life, you may be experiencing what feels like culture shock. Everything familiar — the rhythms, the roles, the answers — has changed.
One of the most healing steps you can take is simply to name what has been lost. Give yourself permission to grieve the time, community, or certainty that’s gone. Naming loss doesn’t mean you’re going backward; it means you’re making space for healing.
Another important step is separating your identity from your belief. Who are you apart from what you once believed? What do you love, value, and care about now? Remember: you are so much more than the system you once belonged to.
And then there’s relearning autonomy. After years of being told what to think, choose, or believe, it can feel foreign to trust your own curiosity. But asking your own questions and exploring new ideas is how identity begins to rebuild itself.
Reconnecting Through Curiosity and Community
Curiosity can be one of the most powerful companions in this process. Explore. Read. Create. Spend time in nature. Talk to people who are also navigating life after faith.
Even small circles of connection, whether online or local, can help you feel less alone. Shared stories remind us that this is not the end of something good, but the beginning of something true.
Becoming Who You Are Now
If you’ve spent much of your life in a faith system and are now stepping away, please know this: You are not losing yourself. You are building something new that matters in a new way, for the life you’re living now.
The pain of deconstruction doesn’t mean you’re broken — it means you’re growing.
💬 I’d love to hear from you. Have you gone through a faith transition later in life — or supported someone who has? What has helped you find meaning or connection again?
💛 Ashley
Your secular chaplain
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